


Jan Jansen on stage!

by Goddess_of_the_arena



Category: Baldur's Gate
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-01-07
Updated: 2020-01-07
Packaged: 2021-02-27 04:02:07
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 980
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22160752
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Goddess_of_the_arena/pseuds/Goddess_of_the_arena
Summary: A bit of silliness inspired by the movie "Shrek 2". You will never be able to see Jan Jansen in the same light after this ^-^
Comments: 6
Kudos: 3





	Jan Jansen on stage!

_This is a one-shot inspired by the scene in “Shrek 2” when the Fairy Godmother sings at the party for Shrek and Fiona’s wedding._

**_Disclaimer:_ ** _I don’t own either the original song by Frou Frou, or Jan Jansen (thank the Gods!). I only own this short story and this version of the song.  
_

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Samuel Thunderburp was worried: his usual bard had a nasty cold which didn’t allow him to do more than croak like a bullfrog and despite the warm chicken broth and some rest, the situation still hadn’t improved.

It had been a week now and even the most patient of patrons were starting to complain about the lack of entertainment, but Gods above and below, what was he supposed to do? He had tried hiring new bards, but none of them was good enough for the refined tastes of his clientele.

"Samuel, old codger!", a familiar voice greeted him, "How are you?". Sam looked up and gave a sad smile to the Gnome who was approaching the bar, "I’m in trouble, Jan. Deep trouble, alas". Jan’s eyes filled with worry, "Is Thalia ill?".

"Oh, no, dear Gods, she’s fine! No, it’s my business that’s in danger: my bard is sick and none of the substitutes were approved by the patrons. I don’t know what to do, Jan, if this keeps up, I’ll lose many of them".

The Gnome illusionist grinned widely, "Why, Sam, you could have told me sooner! I’ll entertain your patrons and believe me, after this, they won’t even remember about that guy who used to sing for them before!". The Halfling bit his lower lip, not wanting to offend his old friend but also clearly scared by the prospect of Jan Jansen taking up the role of a bard, "I...Am Grateful for the offer, but... ".

"Oh, no need to be shy, Sam, I’m always happy to lend a hand to a friend in trouble. You’ll see, it’s going to be a success", Jan assured him, then chanted a spell and instead of his purple-and-orange robe he was now wearing a sparkling red dress covered in spangles, with a low neckline and a side slit which, alas, left bare a stubby and hairy leg and a large foot barely squeezed in a red high-heel shoe, "Ah, perfect. And now, let the show begin!".

Samuel muttered a prayer to Tymora and Waukeen, a sense of dread filling him as his friend climbed on the stage voluptuously swaying his hips and with another spell, created a magical orchestra to play the intended tune.

"Good evening, ladies and gentlemen, I am Jan Jansen, illusionist and seller of delicious fresh turnips! You can find me every day in the main square of the Government District, right in front of the Palace of the Council of Six, at least if that turnip-hating cursed brigand doesn’t shoo me away as he always does and besides, as my dear papa used to say...”, Jan began, but the annoyed grumbles and a shout of ‘cut it short!’ from the crowd convinced him to get to the point, “As I was saying, I’ll be your entertainer for tonight and your trusted turnip seller for every other day. Enjoy the show!", he exclaimed, then he began singing horribly off- key,

"Where have all the good men gone  
And where are all the Gods?  
Where's the kind street vendors  
To sell the lovely roots?  
Isn't there a nice treat upon a shining dish?  
Late at night I toss and I turn and I dream of what I need

I need a turnip!  
I'm holding out for a turnip 'til the end of the night  
It's gotta be big  
And it's gotta be sweet  
And it’s gotta be fresh from the garden  
I need a turnip!  
I'm holding out for a turnip 'til the morning light  
It’s gotta be red  
And it's gotta be soon  
And it’s gotta be larger than life

Somewhere after midnight  
In my wildest fantasy  
Somewhere just beyond my reach  
There's a turnip waiting just for me  
Growing in the garden and glistening in the rain  
This lovely vegetable I know will sweep me off my feet

I need a turnip!  
I'm holding out for a turnip 'til the end of the night  
It's gotta be big  
And it's gotta be sweet  
And it’s gotta be fresh from the garden  
I need a turnip!  
I'm holding out for a turnip 'til the morning light  
It’s gotta be red  
And it's gotta be soon  
And it’s gotta be larger than life

Up where the carrots meet the spinach above  
Out where the lettuce meets the peas  
I would swear that there's a turnip somewhere  
Calling me

Through the wind and the chill and the rain  
And the storm and the flood  
I can taste its flavor  
Like a fire on my tongue

I need a turnip!  
I'm holding out for a turnip 'til the end of the night  
It's gotta be big  
And it's gotta be sweet  
And it’s gotta be fresh from the garden  
I need a turnip!  
I'm holding out for a turnip 'til the morning light  
It’s gotta be red  
And it's gotta be soon  
And it’s gotta be larger than life

I need a turnip!".

When the music died down, a deadly silence fell on the room, all the patrons struck speechless. Jan looked at his audience with satisfaction, obviously they were so impressed by his wonderful singing that they had no words to express their appreciation. He winked at Samuel from the stage and smoothed the crinkles of his dress, feeling very pleased with himself: it was nice to help a friend out.

Samuel Thunderburp buried his head in his hands and groaned. He had just learned one of the most important lessons in the life of a Realms citizen: never, ever, _ever_ ask a Jansen for help.

  



End file.
